Happy Wedding to Celebrate

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I am forever grateful to choose my Undergraduate study at Asian University for Women where I got to meet the most amazing people from Nepal and around the world. Thanks to Ansu Vanzi for choosing AUW. Our University choice will always be the best decisions we made when we were too young to decide any rational decisions.

20 A building, 9th Floor, window room, Mohammad Ali Roadside used to be the warmest room for us hai Salu because the room was full of beautiful, intelligent, creative, fun-loving, and generous people where we would be excited to meet Daisy darling and Ansu Vanzi every day to laugh, relax and make fun of each other.

I still remember the day Ansu dii started me to call “Mama”. My foodie Salu had to have midnight breakfast even after having a full plate of enough dinner at the dining hall and we would make sure that we had enough snacks to eat in the middle of the night, otherwise, Salu wouldn’t sleep and she wouldn’t let me sleep with her kyaau kyaau voice for food. Having Ansu and Kalpu in our hostel room was always fun and precious memories and they’d love to eat whatever food we offered, “Kasto mitho vayo. Thank you mama and mama ko sathi” bhandai. Ansu said once, “This room just feels like a Mamaghar” and since then Ansu dii has started calling me Mama and that is how she has become my loveliest Vanzi forever.

When these two seniors were graduating from the University, it was very hard to see them leaving us behind to pursue their next level career. We wished them ‘best wishes‘ and both of them are now on top of the world, doing amazingly amazing in their field of career.

Today, I chose to write a long post again because my Vanzi is getting married soon and I just could not refrain myself from remembering our moments together at AUW. The most awaited wedding is happening very soon. Ansu and Romy are the best couple we have seen so far in the entire universe. We are never tired of talking about this beautiful couple because they are just perfect people from enjoying their life to making differences in peoples’ lives inside and outside Nepal. If I ever started my “Tell Tale”, I expect Anshu and Romy to be the first couple on my stage to share their love story which should be heard by everyone in the world.

I wish you the best of best to my coolest Vanza-Vanzi.

Mama will be joining Vanzi’s Mehendi night Tonight in Mama’s getup because this Mama just could not drape herself in Saree/Kurtha in this cold winter. And it is completely okay to look odd and different in the crowd.

Most awaiting happy celebrations to celebrate.

Much Love!

 

 

मुगु-हुम्लाको सम्झनाका लहरमा अल्झीएको मेरो मन

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मुगुमा केहि समय बसेर काठमाडौँ फर्केको दिन मनलाई रमाइलो लाग्यो, खिन्न लग्यो, अचम्म लाग्यो, या केहि लागेन, खै कस्तो लागेको हो कस्तो मनले ठम्याउन सकिरहेको थिएन। त्यसैले मन न त खुसि थियो न त दुखि नै। तर मुगु-हुम्लाका दिदी-बहिन, दाजु-भाई, त्यहिँ गाउँमा बनेका साथीभाई अनि बच्चा-बच्चीहरुले दिएको न्यानो माया र मेरो अफिसका केहि प्रिय साथीहरुलाई अझै नजिकबाट चिन्न पाएको अनौठो मौका, मनका कुराहरु साटासाट गर्न जुरेको त्यो अमुल्य समय, थाहै नपाई उनिहरुबाट बटुलिएर संगालिएका सबै प्रेरणा र मेरा निम्ति कहिल्य्यै बिर्सिन नसक्ने ती अति मिठा सम्झनाहरुले मनको घैलो भने हर्षले टम्मै भरिएको थियो।

बुधबारको दिन म काठमाडौँको अफिसमा हाजिरी भएँ। आधि मन मुगु-हुम्लातिरै अझै रोमलिदै थियो र बाँकि मनलाई भने काम गरेको जस्तो बाहानामा भुलाईरहेको थिएँ। मन न त पुरै काठमाडौँको सहरमा ढल्किन सकिरहेको थियो न त मुगु-हुम्लाको यादहरुलाई थम्म्याएर अघि नै बढ्न सकेको थियो। बिस्तारै बिस्तारै फेरी पुराना दिनचर्याहरुमा आफूलाई लैजाने प्रयास गर्दै गर्दा, शुक्रबारको दिन अफिसबाट संखर होटेलमा हुन गइरहेको अन्तरास्ट्रिय (Women in Science Technology, Engineering & Maths) कन्फिरेन्समा जानु पर्ने भयो। बिहान उठेर भएभरका लुगाहरुबाट आफूलाई स्मार्ट देखिने ड्रेस छान्दा छान्दै समय बितेछ, हतारिदै कन्फिरेन्स हल पुगे। मुगु-हुम्लामा त न कहिल्य हतार भएको थियो न लुगा छान्नलाई समय नै खर्चिनु परेको थियो, जस्तो लगाएपनि आफु राम्रो लाग्थ्यो।

कन्फिरेन्समा आफ्नो पेपर प्रिजेन्टेसन गर्न देशबिदेशबाट आएका महिलाहरुलाई देख्दा र उनीहरुको त्यो कला देख्दा मेरो मनमा सयौ प्रश्नहरु उब्जिएका थिए। उनीहरुलाई सोध्न मन थियो, तिमिहरुलाई यस्तो बन्न कति वर्ष लाग्यो भनेर। कन्फिरेन्समा अझै प्रस्तुतिहरु मुल्यांकन गर्ने हो भने त हाम्रो नेपाली दिदीहरुको नै धेरै बिशेष र उत्कृष्ट लागेको थियो। हाम्रो नेपालमा पनि यस्तो मान्छेहरु छन् है जस्तो महसुस भएको थियो। माथिबाट नै भगवानले सिकाएर पठाएको जस्तो सुनिन्थ्यो उनीहरुले बोल्दा प्रयोग गर्ने हरेक शब्दहरु। पहिलो पटक भेटेको भएपनि, हाम्रो नेपाली दिदीहरुको मिजासिलोपनले गर्दा धेरै समय देखि उनीहरुसंग चिनजान छ जस्तो अनुभूति भईरहेको थियो। संगै बसेकी नविना दिदी र म कुरा गर्दै थियौ, कुनै दिन हामी पनि उनीहरु जस्तै बन्न सक्छौ कि सक्दैनौ होला, संसार नै बिर्साइदिने उनीहरुको आवाज जस्तै हाम्रो पनि होला कि नहोला भन्दै उनीहरु जस्तै बन्ने रहरको भारीले मलाई पुरै छोपेको थियो। त्यो आवाजहरु पुरै संगीतका धुन जसरि गुन्जिरहेका थिए, एउटै शब्दहरु खेर जान नदिई उनीहरुलाई म सुन्दै थिएँ, पच्छ्याउदै थिए। एकछिनका लागि मैले बाहिरी संसार पुरै भुलिरहे। सम्झनाकालागि भनेर थुप्रै तस्बिरहरु खिचेर घर लिएर आएं।

बेलुकी आमालाई कन्फिरेन्सको तस्बिरहरु देखाउदै गर्दा मेरो मनमा चिसो पस्यो। मुगुकी ती एउटी दिदीले भनेको कुरा सम्झिए, “तिम्रो काठमाडौँमा हामी जस्तै दुखि मान्छेहरु पनि बस्छन्?” मैले उनीलाई जवाफ दिन सकिन। अर्की भर्खरकी दिदीको फोटो खिच्नलाई भनेर अनुमति लिदा उनले भनिन, “हाम्रो फोटो खिचेर तिमि के गर्छौ? तिम्रो ठाउँमा लगेर देखाउछौ? तिनीहरुले हामी दुखी फोहोरिको फोटो हेर्न रुचाउछन्”? उन्को फोटो फेसबुकमा राख्न बाहेक अरु खै के गर्छु, म सँग उत्तर नै नभएको प्रश्नहरु सोध्दै थिए यी दिदीहरु मलाई। अर्की बहिनीको फोटो खिच्दा नजिकै बसेकी एउटी आमाले भन्दै थिइन्, “उसलाई कति गार्हो छ, दु:ख छ, फोटो मात्र नखिच, सहयोग पनि गर, तिमीहरु त फोटोमात्र खिच्ने हौ।” खिचिसकेको फोटोलाई मैले मेटाउन सकिन अनि “फोटो खिचेको बापत म उनलाई सहयोग गरौला, तिमी चिन्ता नगर न” भन्नलाई मेरो बोलि फुटेन।

Reusable Sanitary Pad बनाउने तालिमको हलमा उनीहरु रमाउदै, हाँस्दै- कैची, सियो, धागो चलाउदै थिए। त्यो भिडमा म आफू भने हराउदै गए। उनीहरुले भनेका शब्दहरु मेरो मनमा अड्किएर बसिरहे, त्यसैले हो कि उनीहरुसँग मैले हाँसो साट्न सकिरहेको थिइन। कति दिदीबहिनिहरु जस्ले महिनाबारी हुँदा जीवनमा आफूले न कहिल्यै pad प्रयोग गरे न कहिल्यै कपडा नै, तिनै मध्य कोहि रमाएर भन्दै थिए, “अर्को महिना देखि त आफूले बनाएको pad प्रयोग गर्ने हो”। उनीहरुको त्यो रमाइलोपनमा पनि खोइ किन हो म भिज्न सकिन। म त कति असन्तुस्टी मान्छे, उनीहरुले हाम्रो लागि भनेर देउडा गीत गाउँदा पनि, म मनबाट हाँस्न सकिरहेको थिइन। म कुन संसारमा छु, कुन मानिसहरुसंग म कुरा गर्दै छु, जबकी मैले उनीहरुको जीवनमा केहि फरक ल्याउन सक्दिन भने फेरिपनि म उनीहरुको कथा र बेथाहरुलाई किन कोटटाउदै छु भन्दै यस्तै यस्तै कुराहरुले म आँफै सँग दिक्क मान्दै थिए।

त्यहाँ नगएको भए, उनीहरुलाई नभेटेको भए, मेरो एकोहोरो सुख र दु:खमा रमाउदै म आफ्नो बाटो लागिरहेको हुन्थे। “……….काठमाडौँ गएर भन्दिनु, बिहान बेलुकाको छाक टार्न सक्ने दिगो रोजगारी दिनु रे भनेर… बेलायत सरकारको RAP त अर्को बर्ष सिधिन्छ रे नेपाल सरकारको RAP पठाईदिनु भन्नु….. बिहानको छाक मात्र खान्थयौ भने आजभोली त बेलायतको मान्छे आए देखि बेलुकाको छाक पनि टार्न सक्ने भएका छौ…… उनीहरु गए पछि फेरी पनि त्यस्तै त हुने होला, त्यस्तो हुन नदिनु रे भन्दिनु…..”। म सुनिरहे। उनीहरुले म प्रति देखाएका असाहरुलाई निरासामा बदल्दिने तितो बोलि मलाई बोल्न मन लागेन। उनीहरु एकोहोरो बोलिरहेका थिए। म मौन रहेको देखेर कस्तो केहि नबोलेको होला भने जस्तो मुहार उनीहरु बनाउदै थिए।

मुगुको त्यो तालिम हल र संखर होटलको कन्फिरेन्स हल, आकाश र पातल झैँ भिन्न थिए। मुगुको त्यो भिडले मलाई तिमि केहि गर्नु है भनेर एउटा बोक्न नसक्ने आशाको भारी बोकाएर पठाउँदै थियो भने संखरहलको त्यो भिडले मलाई आशाको डोरी नछोडी उकालोमा आफूलाई तान्ने प्रयास गर्नु है भनेर सिकाउदै थियो। मलाई यतिबेला ठुलो नदिको बिचमा आफु अड्किरहेको आभास भइरहेको छ, न त फर्केर वारी किनारमा नै आउन सकेको छु न पारि तरेर एउटा बाटो समाउन नै सकेको छु। थोरै पाइला चाल्न खोज्दा लड्ने होकी भनेर धेरै धेरै डर मान्दै छ।

मुगु-हुम्लामा मानिसहरुले जुन तरिकाले जीबन जिउंदै छन्, म कुनै मुल्यांकन गर्न चाहन्न। कतिपयलाई बिहान बेलुकाको छाक टार्नु नै जीवनको लक्ष्य रहेछ र उनीहरु त्यहि लक्ष्य पुरा गर्नमा ब्यस्त छन्। हामी कोहिले पो त्यो बाहेक पनि अर्को संसार छ है भनेर बुझेका छौ हौला र त अर्को चरणको सफल्ता हाँसिल गर्न मरिमेटी दु:ख गरेका हौला। उनीहरुको दु:ख ठूलो हो कि हाम्रो दु:ख, त्यो पनि मलाई दाज्नु छैन। हामी नै उस्ता हौकी, हामीले बनाएको सरकार उस्तो हो, त्यसमा चाहिँ मलाई मुल्यांकन गरेर जरै देखि दाज्न मन छ।

म पनि आफ्नै खाले सुख र दु:खले भरिएको संसारमा हराउदै छु। कसैको निम्ति मैले गर्न सकुला नसकुला तर मुगुका ती आवाजहरु काठमाडौँ पुगेर सुनाइदिनु भन्ने हरुको आवाज म कहाँ सुनाउन जाने हो, त्यो सम्बन्धित निकाय कुन हो, मलाई बताईदिने कोहि भएन। त्यसैले यसै ब्लग मार्फत ती आवाजहरु सुनाइदिने प्रयास गरेको छु। ती आवाजहरुलाई यहाँ बिसाउदै मनको भारी हलुङ्गो पार्दै छु।  

ती आवाजहरु सुनिदिने सबैको भलो होस्, भरिपूर्ण होस्।  

 

यो मन पनि सार्है नहुने मन छ के है?

 

rainy day blog

धेरै दिन भयो नलेखेको पनि है। कति धेरै अल्छि लाग्छ। अल्छि नलाग्ने हो भने त कहाँ पुग्थे होला है। तर अल्छि लागेकै ठिक छ नि। अल्छि लागेर नै त काम गर्न मन लाग्दैन, त्यसपछि के गरौँ गरौँ  हुन्छ मनलाइ, अनि लेखौं न त जस्तो हुन्छ अनि लेख्न बस्छ मन। लेख्दा लेख्दै फेरि लेखेका कुराहरु च्यातेर फालौं जस्तो नि लाग्छ। होइन किन च्यात्नु पर्यो र अपलोड गरे भै हाल्यो नि ब्लग तिर जस्तो पनि हुन्छ। फेरि अपलोड गर्दै गर्दा कत्ति न राम्रो लेखे जस्तो पुरा अपलोड गरेर फेसबुकमा समेत सेयर गर्नु पर्ने रे, किन प्रोमोट गर्नु पर्ने हो? भयो अपलोड नगरौं डिलिट गर्छु जस्तो पनि हुन्छ, फेरी होइन के भयो त अपलोड गरेर, जे भएपनि आफ्नो समय लगाएर लेखेकै हो, किन तेतिकै फाल्नु लेखेको कुरालाई? तर फेरी कस्लाई नै फुर्सद छ र मैले लेखेको पढ्नलाई?  होइन, के भयो त, अरुले पढिदेला भनेर लेख्ने पनि त होइन नि है। सबैले अरुले पढ्दैन होला भयो लेख्दिन भनेको भए, हामीले तेती राम्रा लेखकका किताबहरु नै पढ्न पाउँदैन थियौ होला। त्यसैले ठिकै छ नि। अरुले के सोच्ला भनेर गर्नु मन लागेको कुरै नगरेर पनि भएन नि। आफूलाई पो आफूले लेखेको मन नपरेको होला, के थाहा, भित्र भित्र मन पराउनेहरु छन् कि है?    

पानी पनि कति परेको होला। दिन पनि त्यस्तै अँधेरो छ। कतै डाँडामा गएर साथीहरु सँगै चिया खाएर बस्नु पाए पनि हुन्थ्यो नि है। काम पनि गर्नै पर्यो। पैसा भनेको हातको मैला हो भनेर जति नै भने पनि, आफ्नो बैंक अकाउन्टमा अलिकति पैसा छ भने, छुट्टै खालको साहस आउदो रहेछ है। कोहि रुझिरहेको बच्चा पातलो लुगामा कामिरहेको  देख्दा मन फेरी कस्तो कस्तो हुदों रहेछ।  आफ्नो अलि अलि जम्मा गरेको पैसा भने बैंकमा तेतिकै बसिराखेको छ, तर त्यो नानी भने पुरानो धुजा भएको लुगा लगाएर रुझ्दै हिडि रहेको छ। हात समाएर,  हिंड जाउँ, अरु न भएपनि  एउटा न्यानो लुगा किनम तिम्रो लागि भन्न पनि मन लाग्छ तर फेरी, पानि आज मात्र पर्ने पनि त होइन, भोलि पर्छ,  पर्सि पनि पर्छ। अनि भोलि, पर्सि पनि त उसको लुगा रुझी नै हाल्छ होला नि  है? त्यो नानी जस्तै अर्को कोहि पनि फेरी कुनै अर्कै ठाउँमा रुझिरहेकै त होला? कति दिन कतिवटाको लागि सोच्नु र है। फेरी त्यस्तो पैसा धेरै भएर कता राखौँ जस्तो पनि त छैन मलाई, आफ्नै भर छैन कति बेला के पर्ला भनेर, अनि के दुनियाँको उपकार गर्ने कुरा सम्झेर हिड्नु। पहिला दुइ चार पैसा नदेखेको, माग्न पनि मन नलाग्ने फेरी कोहि सँग, अनि अलि अलि पैसा आफूले कमाएर माग्नु नपर्दा के के नै छ जस्तो लाग्ने रहेछ। यसरी अर्काको लागि सोचेर हिड्ने हो भने, म पनि त हप्तादिन मै सुन्यमा झरी हाल्छु, अनि मलाई त झन् मागेर हिड्न पनि आँट आउदैन, त्यसैले पनि स्वार्थी भएर नहिड्ने हो भने त यहाँ खुट्टा टेक्नै गार्हो पर्ने रहेछ। के गर्नु त है, स्वार्थी हुनु नै ठिक रहेछ। तर फेरी महिनै बिच्छे त्यति धेरै कर तिरिराको नै हो नि सरकारलाई। त्यो कर तिर्नुपर्ने नभए त के के गर्न पुग्थ्यो होला मलाई। सरकारलाइ चासो नभएको कुरालाइ म किन टाउको दुखाउनु है। कहिले काहिँ त आफु देखेर पनि सार्है रिस उठ्छ।  चाहिने न चाहिने कुरामा ध्यान दिनु पर्ने रे। आफ्नै राम्रो गरे भइ हाल्यो नि। अरुको चासो किन राख्नु पर्यो ,गर्न सक्ने चाहिँ केहि होइन है फेरी।  दीउसों भेटेका अनुहारहरुलाई किन राति सुत्ने बेला सम्झिनु पर्ने होला है, खुरुक्क ननिदाएर। आफुलाई पर्दा को नै छ र यहाँ सहयोग गर्ने? पुरा संसारका सरकार राम्रो हुने हो भने कोहि पनि मर्थेनन यहाँ अकालमा, भोग्नु नै नपर्ने दु:ख कसैले भोग्नु पनि पर्थेन। तर, संसार नचल्ने होलान्त यसरी है। सबै खुसि सुखी भए भने, ती अहिले जागिर खाई राखेका  मानिसहरुले फेरी कहाँ जागिर पाउनु है। पैसाले गरिब, पिछडिएका, दु:ख  पाएका, पढ्न नपाएका मानिसहरु, रोगीहरु अनि यस्तै यस्तै  दुखीहरु छन् र त उनीहरुको लागि भलाई गर्ने भनेर हामीले जागिर खान पाएका छौ। त्यसैले आफ्नो भलाई गर्ने हो अरुको होइन। आफ्नै बारेमा सोच धेरै जान्ने हुनु पर्दैन भनेर दिमागले कति सम्जाउछ यो मनलाई। दिमाग चाहिँ अलि बुझ्ने छ, यो मन त सार्है नहुने छ। यो मनको त काम नै छैन। दिमाग मात्र भय पुगी हाल्थ्यो नि किन चाहिने होला है यो मन? संसार डुलेर बस्ने मन। यो मन त खाली दिमाग सँग झगडा गर्न मात्र जानेको छ, टोलाउन जानेको छ, चार तिर उडेर बस्न जानेको छ। एक दिन होइन दुई दिन होइन, खाली डुलेको छ डुलेको छ, बिचरा दिमाग नै थाकी सक्यो मनलाई बाँधेर राख्दा राख्दा। यो मन न भएको भए त, म कहाँ पुगी सक्थे होला है? कहिले देखिको बाँकि काम छ गर्नु पर्ने, यो मनले गर्नै दिदैन। यो मन नभईदिएको भए, यो चाहिने न चाहिने कुराहरु लेखेर समय पनि खेर फाल्थिन होला है। घरमै कोठामा मनलाई थुनेर अफिसमा भने दिमाग मात्र बोकेर आउन मिल्ने भए पनि हुन्थ्यो नि है?

कस्तो नराम्रो छ के यो मन त, झन् पानी परेको बेला त, मनै पर्दैन मलाई यो मन।

My first open letter to my first newborn Niece

niece.jpgMy dearest Niece,

I feel the warmest atmosphere ever by your presence today. You have brightened up Home to the full light. Before you even entered the world, your mother and I had anticipated you to be the baby girl. And, finally you are here! Your sister is just out of words to express this happy moment for fulfilling our wish with your warm arrival.

I am already excited for your new beginning and before you start knowing this world and growing before our very eyes, there are only little things I want you to know and it can all wait for now but still life is unpredictable, and I want to share few of them right at this moment when I am still here.

I only want you to be the power of kindness—always ready to help people in need without judgment and hesitation. I will surely admire your boldness with gentleness.

Great things are not always big. Do not follow the world’s perception on “success”. You always try to be the best version of yourself. You do not need to take part in any unhealthy competition to be the most successful one. We are here neither to win nor to lose anything. The only success you can get in this life is through your happiness. I want you learn to be happy in little things in a great way. Please, do not compromise your happiness for anyone else, even for your parents. On this life journey, you will meet many people whom you can never make happy, satisfy and complete. In such situation with those ungrateful people, I do not want you to get angry or pissed off. Just do your duty from your side that is needed to be done with your happy heart.

My little one, expectation hurts. Give people whatever you can but never expect anything in return. Your effort and your generosity will surely be paid off someday. I want you to be generous.

I do not want you to spend your days only by watching electronics screen. You know, these days people are spending much of their valuable time looking at the screen and I too do the same and I hope I will be able to change myself very soon. I want you to be connected with nature and our locally available resources and believe me, you will find more happiness and excitement with this rather than keeping your eyes busy all the time in electronic screens.

My little one, you are not obligated to follow or fulfill certain constructive criteria made by this society just because of your gender. So be your own kind of beautiful, little baby.

My niece, I will keep on writing you. Be grateful for having your loveliest parents and I hope you will get your beautiful name soon. I had chosen you a name, but your handsome, choosy Daddy wants something connected with Lotus. I am still thinking for your name that you will thanks me later. Stay healthy, happy and kind.

This is my first letter to my first niece. Today, I take this opportunity to express myself for all the newly born babies. You all are special.

Your Sister,

Milipa

 

 

 

 

निरासाका सबै उजाड धुजाहरुलाई रङ्गको निम्तो देउ भन्दै छ मलाई मेरो सुदूरपश्चिम प्रदेश

dailekh kp picture

कामको सिलसिलामा खड्यौलि गाउँ पालिका पुग्नु थियो त्यो दिन हामीलाई।  किसानहरुसंग बैठक राखेकाले तोकिएको समयमै पुग्नु थियो। बिहान सबेरै बुढारको पिपल चौतारी होटेलबाट हामीहरु आफ्नो गन्तब्य तर्फ प्रस्थान गर्यौ।  त्यो दिन सबेरै उठेर होला मेरो दिन अझै सुरुवात नभएको झैँ अनुभूति भइरहेको थियो। बुढारबाट  केहि पर पुगेपछि एउटा दृश्यले हाम्रो गाडी रोकियो। यदि त्यो  दृश्यको तस्बिर मैले यो ब्लगसंगै राख्ने अनुमति पाएको भए हाम्रो गाडी किन रोकियो भनि  मैले यहाँ ब्याख्या गरिरहनु पर्ने थिएन। तस्बिर आफै  बोल्छ भनेझैँ मेरा यी लेखिएका शब्दहरुको कुनै मुल्य नै हुने थिएनन् किनकि उनको तस्बिरले बोलेझैं मेरो यो लेखले प्रकट गर्न सक्दैन उनको त्यो मनै नथामिने दृश्य।

गाडी ओहोर दोहोर गर्ने बाटोको छेउमै  स्याउलाको भारीमा उनले आफ्नो पुरै शरीर अडाएर  सम्मो  परेको भुँईमा बसेकी थिइन्। मेरो दिन सुरुवात हुन नपाउदै उनी त कहाँ कहाँको बनमा पुगेर स्याउलाको भारि लिएर आइसकेकी रहिछिन। उनी  बसिरहेको धुलो भुइँलाई एकछिन बिर्सिएर उनी कुर्सीमा आडेस लगाई बसेको कल्पना गर्ने हो भने, हाम्रा आँखामा उनी कुनै राजकुमारी भन्दा कम देखिन्थिनन्। रातो रङ्गको महिलो लुगा लगाएकी उनि पातली थिईन्। बाटुलो अनुहार परेको उनको चिटिक्क मिलेको जिउ थियो। त्यो सुन्दर परेली हेर्दा यस्तो लाग्थ्यो की उनको त्यो  परेलीमा  बास  बस्न  कतिले अनुरोध पत्र कोरे होलान। टाढाबाट हेर्दा उनी आराम गरे झैँ लागे पनि नजिक गएर बोलाउंदा उनले बोलि फर्काइनन।

मेरो निदाएको निन्द्रालाई उनले मौन भएर नै बिउझाईदिन तर उनको ननिदाएको त्यो निन्द्रालाई मेरो आवाजले उठाउन सकेन। गण्डकी प्रदेशमा जन्मिएर आजसम्म जति वर्षहरु काटे, सबै वर्षहरु मिठो निन्द्रा निदाएर नै काटेको रहेछु। भाग्यको  लेख होला,  सुदूरपश्चिम प्रदेशको डोटी जिल्लाले मेरो मिठो निन्द्रालाई बिउझाईदियो।  म धेरै दु:खी भए। उनीलाई हेर्दा यस्तो लाग्यो, शरीरले समाजको रुढिबादी मान्न छोडेपछि, कामको थकानले शरीरलाई भुइँमा  लतारे पछि, देशले दिएको सुबिधाको भोक नौ डाँडा पारि गएर लिन नसके पछि अनि बल्ल उन्को निदाउने पालो आउदो रहेछ। मेरो मन झसङ्ग भयो, मिठो निन्द्रा पाउन मैले त कहिल्लै कुनै पालो कुर्नु परेन, तर उनले त काँडाले झैँ बिझाउने बिछ्याउनाको  तितो निन्द्रा पाउन पनि जीबनभरि बाटो पर्खि बस्नु पर्ने रहेछ। थकान मेट्ने निन्द्रा पाउन त होस् नै गुमाउनु पर्ने रहेछ।

उनि कमली थिइन् तर धेरै थाकिसकेकी जस्ती देखिन्थिन। उनको ओठ सुकेको थियो। उनि सार्है कम्जोर भईसकेकी  थिइन्। पहाडमा नाच्दै, खोलाको सुसेली संगै आफ्नो भाका मिलाउदै, चराचुरुङ्गिको चिरबिर आवाजमा रमाउदै, शिखर चुम्ने सपना देख्नु पर्ने उनी, त्यो कलिलो उमेरमै, समाज अनि राष्ट्रले भोग्न दिएको एउटै दु:ख  बाँकि नराखी उनी अल्लो घाट न पल्लो घाटकी भइसकेकी थिइन्। जीबन अमुल्य लाग्ने म, त्यो दिन सस्तो जीवनको बारेपनि अबलोकन गरें। हामी संगै अरु धेरै गाडीहरु रोकिए, उनलाई, हेरे अनि आफ्नो गन्तब्य तर्फ लागे। त्यतै हिडिरहेका स्थानीय मानिसको मुहारले पनि उनलाई हेरेर कुनै अभिब्यक्ति ब्यक्त गरेन। उनको घरमा खबर पुगेपछि उनका जेठाजु आइपुगे। उन्को मुहारले पनि कुनै भावना ब्यक्त गरेन तर तर्किदै थिए त्यो भिडबाट उनी, बुहारीलाई छुन हुदैन रे भनेर। मरिसकेको लासलाई घाटमा लैजान हुने तर बाँचीरहेको लासलाई छुन नहुने चलन अझै पनि चल्दै रहेछ यहाँ।  करकापले बाध्य भय  ती जेठाजु आफ्नी बुहारीलाई काँधमा बोक्न। अस्पताल लग्ने चलन रहेनछ भनौ भने अस्पताल नै छैन रे त्यहाँ। घर परिवारलाई धेरै थोरै माया ममता भए र धामी झाँक्रीकोमा फुक्न लगे म के जानु। मन नलागी नलागी उनको जेठाजुले बोकी उकालो लागेको दृश्य गाडीको झ्यालबाट हेर्दै मा अगाडी बढे। बेलै नभई त्यो अस्थाउन लागेकी घामलाई फेरी उदाओस  भनि मैले प्रार्थना गर्न सकिन। मेरो आँखाले उनि मरेको भन्दा बाचेकोमा धेरै पिडा महसुस गरिरहेको थियो। जब मेरो नजरबाट उनको दृश्य टाढा भयो, मेरो मनले यति मात्र स्तुति गर्यो की, यदी बाचीछन् भने, घर परिवार र समाजको थप घृणित उनी  बन्न नपरोस किनकी आजको दिन सम्म आफ्नो सिर उठाएर जेठाजुलाई नहेरे  पनि त्यो दिन जेठाजुको काँधमा शिर झुकाउनु उनको बाध्यता थियो।

उनको त्यो दिनको तितो निन्द्राले मेरो रातको निन्द्रालाई निदाउन दिएको छैन। आफु उपकारी  छु भन्ने भान बाट त्यो दिन म मुक्त भए। स्वार्थीको परिभाषा हेर्न र बुझ्न कुनै सब्दकोष पल्टाई राख्न परेन मलाई।  सहज जीवनले नपुगेर अझै धेरै खुसि र सफल्ता आँफै माथि मात्र थुप्राउ भन्ने लोभले विदेशको रमझममा रमाउन उतैको गोरेटो तिर पाइला मोड्दै रहेछु म। देश बनाउछु भन्नेहरुले मेरो देशमा कुनै अबसर दिएनन् भन्दै बाँकिरहेको जिबन उतै बिताउने टिकटको चांजोपांजो मिलाउदै रहेछु म। म सुखको जीबन बाच्न परदेश त जाउला, देशले दिन नसकेको भौतिक सुबिधा, आराम अनि अबसरको पनि चयेन गरौला तर आँशुको खोलामा हाँसो बगाउदै बाच्नका निम्ति स्वोर्ग जान हतारिरहेका ती आफ्नै सासहरुलाई  म पराईको रमझम शहरमा बसेर कसरि हेरुँ?

यिनै सासहरुले  देश कुरिबसेका छन् र त सात समुन्द्र पारि गएकाहरु आफ्नै रङ्ग को पहिचान पहिरिन पाएका छन्। अब मैले फेर्ने अन्तिम सासमा  म आनन्दी मनले रङ्ग भरु या फिक्का नै छाडीदिउ,  निर्णय मेरै हातमा छ।

Why do not we celebrate our children’s failure with the light of love and happiness?

blog photoPicture Credit: Binod Bajgain (The Rising Photographer)

I was more familiar with my teacher’s thin bamboo cane than their affection. I would say there were times when I was drowning under the pressure of classes and tests. I was not allowed to answer what I know or what I think of the test questions, because copying the same idea and opinion of writers from the book was more meaningful to my ‘caring world’. When I did not do well in tests, I would desire to run away from home, yet I would never act on that desire because the only resolutions I had is to work hard and get ideal grades to be perfect. I did not find a way of self-improvement or self-perfection through my imperfection, because I was always controlled with the idea that I need strict shaping and trimming so that there is zero percentage of mistakes. Scolding is love. Showing the fear of future careers is affection. I was brought up and came this far today through this ‘tough love’.

It was such a great sadness of having a trait of placidness to the outside world, but I was burning with the ray of flames inside. The punishment of teachers every day, the argument of parents in the early morning or late night did not let me find peace of mind. Their dissatisfaction had scared me much than by my failures. My face under the blanket cover with tears rolling down through cheeks to the pillowcase, I prayed every single night to stop all these noises coming from the teachers and parents. Promising myself that new day would be a different day filled with love and fun– parents did not stop fighting, teachers did not stop punishing, and I did not stop competing in the unwanted academic environment. As the new day aspiration was fading away, I started waking up every morning only with the wish to shout out loud to stop all these noises. But, how could I? I was made very calm and soft that did not let me pull out the inner chain of my dissatisfaction with their unsolicited behavior. As I started growing, I became closer with male friends than female friends. I found peace, a carefree attitude, less judgment, selfless love, and comfort zone in their company. As I was starting to have wings to fly together sharing joy and sorrow, the snoopy- gender-biased teacher snatched that company filing complaints against my friendship, and that day, I lost my right to choose friends of my interest. I was shaped to be a good human through the perception designed by the people of this society and I was brought up in a way that pressed all my outstanding desires and characteristics within myself. Neither teachers nor parents ever tried to dig into what uniqueness I had within me. But, they got so busy copying and pasting some writer’s academic knowledge into my mind and judging me through the capacity of my memory power.

The ‘tough love’ has taken me this far today. Still, nobody cares how happy or sad I am with the work I am doing, but the outcome I have earned today might not be so much questionable to the society, so the people around me are keeping silent. I have earned precious knowledge through every single situation I went through. All those bitter feelings, emotions and memories I have accumulated while winning prestige in this society have become so priceless now that I can look back at them and deal with my future children at appropriate and safe times before I hurt them by my imposed ideas. I will teach my kids that their parents too don’t know everything either, even though they are seniors and I am strong enough to admit when I am wrong or make a mistake—it enforces the idea that we’re all human and simply doing our best. My children won’t sacrifice their mental health for their parent’s pride and dignity just so that their parents can show face to society. Furthermore, I am nobody to choose friends for my children. This is their choice and interest. If they are hanging out with bad friends, I will not inspire them to break their relationship, instead, I will encourage them to show those friends the light of love to pull them out from the darkness. My sons and daughters will not do things if they don’t enjoy doing it. For example, if my son doesn’t like to read or write about a cow, I will inspire him to play with it and learn by himself. If my daughter doesn’t like to read or write about snow and mountains, she will play with it to know its characteristics. Their existence and their failure will never be the reasons of dissatisfaction in my relationship. I will guide them and show the light instead of letting them be a lone wanderer to find their true selves. Their every failure will be celebrated with the light of love and happiness. Their tomorrow will always begin as a New Year with a positive approach to learning lessons from all the bad that has happened yesterday. I know, that society might not stop naming my future home the ward of lunatics, but I will do my best for the family to live a meaningful and purposeful life.

This blog is not to blame any parents or teachers. They did what they have learned and understood and for that, I would like to take some time to give a big thanks to all those parents and teachers who have also gone through a lot of suffering themselves for their children’s better lives. Through this blog, I am just trying to prove that things that we have learned and memorized from that blacken white paper are something else that does not prepare us to face the real world. Those memorized sentences from each line of academic books do not match the circumstances we have to go through in real life. The traditional path of transferring skills by means of education is not worthy in all situations. The parenting practices giving lots of social pressure and career stress is not bringing a positive change towards the attitude of children. And, last but not least, we should learn to embrace failures too.

The Muddy Road Battle

I wonder, if Bhabana’s shoes were to introduce her, what would they say about her?

And, if anyone were to spend a day in my mud-covered shoes, how would they feel?BhabanaImage: Milipa Thapa

I was waiting for my friends. We would meet daily on the same spot and would go to school together. That day again, it was raining heavily. But, how lucky were my friends? They would always get rides on their mother’s back on a rainy day. That’s how, they would always have clean-polished shoes. And there was my mother who would not even have energy to look for my umbrella. Was there even a day I got a piggyback ride on my mother’s back? I could hardly remember. My shoes were polished just a few minutes earlier. And I would hate to find different ways to beat the mud on a rainy day. Sometimes, my muddy shoes would give me an excuse to yell at mother’s illness thinking how cozy and clean would it feel if she was healthy enough to carry me on her back. But, due to her sickness, she would not even have the strength to bend down and tie my shoe laces. I would feel that those clean and well-polished shoes of my friends were making them ‘look rich’ and I was there walking heavily with my mud-covered shoes, scrubbing them every now and then under the thick bushes. I can’t tell you fully what went on in my head in that moment, but as I walked past each second, I felt low, alone, and ashamed of my dirty shoes. Moreover, I was angry with god for keeping my mother into such circumstance that made her unhealthy and sad.

Today, this pair of shoes caught my attention while stopping by Bhabana dairy for milk tea with my colleagues. This is Bhabana’s shoes (Shoes from the above picture), and I would say them, ‘not so clean’ shoes. Bhabana—a little, obedient and lovely kid from Dullu, Dailekh is popular among villagers for her innocent behavior. I found this little kid very attractive, smart, and happy despite her ‘not so clean shoes’. My shoes were dirty because of mud on a rainy day and Bhabana’s shoes were not clean because of dirt and debris on a sunny day. We both had different circumstances for our dirty shoes, but I failed to understand that everyone’s shoes are a part of them and those shoes were the one that have taken us this far. Why could not I be carefree of my dirty shoes as like Bhabana? Those shoes of mine—that was a stupid comparison with those friends, but many comparisons are stupid anyway and that muddy shoes was one for certain. Maybe, on a rainy day, I would step in a puddle on the way to office again, and get a speck of mud on my shoes. I know, that mud-covered shoes won’t give me the same feeling of disappointment, but will remind me of bitter reminiscence of mother’s deteriorating health where the world once had almost lost faith in her survival. And my delicate feet were there walking up through pines and down through oaks for the one I wanted to grace all of the pages I had yet to write. That day, even in her weakest hour, she did not give up and I did not stop fighting all life’s muddy road battles, knowing it we both would win triumphantly. And we did.

These days my mother’s health is kind of okay comparing to those devastating years. These days, my eyes get teary every time when she holds my shoes affectionately and clean them while I am getting late to work.

 

 

Another Lonely Night in Dailekh

 

night in dailekh

The busy workday turns to night and I have nothing to do,

 I stare off into the emptiness of my room all alone,

And nothing can be heard other than the tickling sound of this hotel’s clock,

Sleep, please come to me, too many thoughts overpower me this late night,

Something needs to be done to take over this sleeplessness mood,

I turn the music on- but the soothing melody can’t even pacify my nomadic mind,

Maybe a book will change my thoughts, but the exhaustion makes words just blur,

I get out of the bed only to face the wide-open window,

I concentrate on the whispers of the wind and wish to have you by my side,

Sitting by the window all alone, I smell your cologne and soothing memories flood in,

Voices in my head already telling me, I have fieldwork to do in the early morning,

So setting forth towards the light, tonight will be the loneliest night.

                                   The Lonely Night in Dailekh.

  5/22/2018

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Childhood in a Bamboo Basket

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Isn’t it amazing to see a woman carrying a stack of grass, bunch of firewood, and a little toddler at the same time on the steep sloped path? It used to be several hours uphill climb to reach home. She would be tired before she reached home, but couldn’t stop in the middle of forest and take rest. Forgetting the acute heat of sun, the torrents of monsoon rain, the grave hunger, the intolerable thirst, and the devastating tiredness, she used to scamper towards her home to see another infant, whom she had left in the crib before the dawn. This was the lifestyle of my mother packed with struggle, the everyday schedule crammed with piles of work, the small world bounded with only household chores, and the daily thoughts filled with dream and imagination. With a grass-stuffed bamboo basket hovering on her head, climbing up and down the long sheer slopes once a day, refraining from fulfilling her strong desires and wishes, she would spend her days waiting for the time to get rid of bamboo basket.

 A strong feeling of wretchedness and cheerfulness comes into sight once I see any woman with a child on her grass basket. It takes me back to my childhood, where I spent most part of the time in woods and grass. My mother would go to the forest to collect firewood and grass for cattle which was far-flung from my home. She would not get enough time to baby-sit and she would carry me on her bamboo basket wherever she went and left my infant brother with someone else whenever possible, otherwise, he would lie all day lone inside a crib — with no idea how comfortably would he spend the whole day alone except for the time someone would visit to feed him? She used to be weary of lugging me almost until the end of day, fed up with caring me every moment while working, and furious with Almighty for creating tough circumstances for her the whole time; but in fact, neither she could ignore it all nor could she hide away from all these forced challenges as she was already turned to a slave of her own circumstances. Once she reached the forest, she would set me in a safe and dirt-free place under the shade of tree and left for her work. I do not know how hard would she feel in those days to leave one infant inside a crib and another toddler under the shade of huge tree. Lingering under the shade of  tree, chewing grasses and fallen leaves on the ground, snooping around the birds chirping and colorful butterflies flying, listening to the resonance of clear crystal water flowing and that pleasant moment for my eyes meeting the bluish Marsyangdi river from my distant spot, I would fall asleep regardless of her warm lap. I would spend half of my day alone in a deep serene forest. Sometimes, she took longer to return back, and it used to be awfully hard to wait for her. Sometimes, the frightening sound of monkeys resonated in my ear and it used to be terribly frightful to wait for her. Sometimes, it thundered and the raindrops landing on my body used to be dreadfully cold to wait for her. Once I saw her in the far distance coming towards me with her basket full of wood and grass, my happiness would know no bounds and my tears would stop streaming down my cheeks before she could see them. She would fall asleep while resting her head lying on the wood and again I had to wait her until she got up and walked over to carry her loaded basket. Heaving the bunch of grass and wood over her head with a big sigh of drowsiness, she would carry me and moved towards the steep sloped path. Before we could reach home, I would always fall asleep despite her request and that added extra distress on her but the physical discomforts were the least of her worries until she had good health. With time, the basket too was turning shabby by the daily load of heavy bunch of grass and wood and she had to carry it anyway until she could resist the pain caused by uterine prolapse. Huge memories of mine are associated with her beautiful bamboo basket which leaded me to spend plenty of time with fear and pleasure under the shade of that huge tree alone and the same basket stands as the saddest reminiscence to her as she had to carry it until the end of her healthy life…

 

 

But what in return is that I get?

I am a burning Candle:

helping others with the bright rays of light,

melting myself I gave my life,

burning throughout not a trace of me remains,

but what in return is that I get?

 

 I am a cheap doll:

dancing on your hands when you like,

crying at the corner when you are hostile,

bringing smile on your face,

breaking legs for your sake,

but what in return is that I get?

 

 I am a machine:

working whole life without resting,

abandoned to isolation when once I began rusting,

sacrificing my whole life for your welfare,

but what in return is that I get?

I am a doormat:

lying at your door always,

carrying heaps of feet dust on top of my head,

stretching and squeezing I remain silent,

am torn to pieces, a scene so violent,

but what in return is that I get?

 

 I am a pair of shoes:

protecting your feet from the thorns on your way,

bringing smile on your face when I am new and gay,

serving you till I am torn with my strength and fate,

but what in return is that I get?

 

 I am petty little things in your life:

carrying little or no importance at all,

serving you all the time sometimes I rise and mostly I fall,

making life easy for you is all my concern,

and what I ask for is just a little love and respect in return.